So the renowned female-friendly sex toy store, Good Vibrations, was having a sale over the Labor Day weekend and I couldn’t help but marvel at the obscurity and hilarity in the toys that were on display. I love and appreciate all the offerings but I serve them up to you for your own enjoyment and scrutiny.
LUNA BALLS: Every health magazine touts the importance staying fit with your fair share of excercise. Many practice pilates for their core, running for their quads, and push-ups to strengthen their arms. In that same vein, why neglect your love muscles. These luna and kegel beads are designed to tighten and stregthen PC muscles to keep them in fighting shape.
THE CONE: This innocuous looking poweder pink cone is really a hands-free vibrating contraption. I suggest using it as a coffee table centerpiece — guarenteed to launch any cocktail conversation into a more lusty realm.
THE USUAL SUSPECTS: An exceptional neo-noir Kevin Spacey movie or a vibrating cock-ring?
NAUGHTIBOD: Most Apple consumers can’t live without their iPhone, MacBook and copious entertainment applications. Naughtibod would be just the iTunes accessory to bring the sleek ascetic of i-products into the bedroom. You can power this candy-colored vibrator with the tunes in your iPod and enjoy your favorite music in a VERY new way.
FLESHLIGHT: A flashlight you can fuck. Need I say more.
FIREMAN’S PUMP: When there is an emergency: Call the fire department. Sometimes when you don’t measure up it’s an emergency.
SCREAMING O: With pleasure bumps and a microvibration motor the Screaming O holds its place as one of the most purchased sex toys on the market.
CUNT COLORING BOOK: What coloring book collection would be complete without this Georgia O’Keeffe-esque coloring variation? My only question now is if Crayola has enough subtle variation of flesh-tone to keep these pictures from looking like a Muppet murder mystery.
I RUB MY DUCKIE: NOT THE RUBBER DUCKY! Honestly, what sick mind decided that the rubber ducky was something that you could love THAT much?
SPECULUM: Sex toy shops are suppose to be havens of enjoyment. What could be furthest from the pleasure portion of life then a trip to the gyno? Disposable $5 speculums are available at Good Vibrations — but I was too scared to ask what any right-minded patron would need them for.
Who wants to?
DOUBLE DIPPER: With something that might be more suitable as a weapon, the Double Dipper still packs the shock to drop the jaw of even the most experienced sex toy connoisseur.